Mourning
Death is an incredibly blurry thing. You think you know what it is and how to cope with it, because we all had bunnies that decided to live on a farm, or birds that flew away, or hamsters that ran away and even kittens that went to sleep. But in reality we just can’t imagine what it’s like and how to deal with it. Why am I writing all of this? Well, my father passed away less then 2 weeks ago and i honestly don’t know what to do and how to live without him.
Smart shrinks from the movies tell us that there are 5 stages of grief – denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. They also say that these stages don’t always follow the order. In my case I have everything at the same time (except for acceptance, of course). I am blaming him for dying, because he never discussed it with me (not that he could), leaving us, not thinking about us, not thinking about himself, his health and stuff. I am mad at the world, God (if he exists), weather, expensive airplane tickets, train company for going on strike while i’m trying to get to my family, God again for making my father die during Pesah, the cemetery for it’s working hours, the government for all the complications with the death certificate, the cemetery for not telling the rabbi about the funeral, the undertakers for disappearing, the rabbi for not turning off his phone, some person who also didn’t turn off his phone, the restaurant for not having anything to pack the food in, capitalism for making money on ones loss, yes, the world, everyone and everything. And myself for not giving him the haircut when he asked me to. But I am glad that I gave him a kiss goodbye when I took off to Italy. Because if i hadn’t, it would be another thing to blame myself for.
The thing that I don’t get is how can a person just disappear. One day he is there, then he’s just not. But all of his things, unfinished work, food, glasses, dirty socks, everything. And all is left is you standing in the middle of his room not knowing what to do next. I must say – sorting out documents helps getting your mind of the tragedy a bit, making yourself preoccupied with work. But that’s just a tiny period of time. Then when you are alone and having no one to distract you, it hits again. It hits you hard. So there’s that.
One thing I must say to everyone who is mourning – please, do it, don’t stop yourself. Don’t make some efforts because the society tells you so. You’ve got to mourn in your own way. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. If you don’t want to make the commemoration – then don’t, although I understood that it is also a good way of cheering up (if the right people are there and if they remember the good things and don’t try drowning you in tears), and after hours at the cemetery a hot meal brings you back to life. But if you do that, you don’t have to invite everyone, you can do whatever you want, you need to gather people that are close to you, what’s the point of having a bunch of strangers just being there, but not being there for you? And if you suddenly burst into tears in the middle of the street – who cares? That shouldn’t bother you. There is a thing you must cry about and keeping it inside only harms you. The more you wait – the harder it kicks you later.
In conclusion. My father was a wonderful man. He was the kind of person who gets to you after 1 minute of knowing him. He was the kind of person who cared about the world and actually did something about it. I wasn’t surprised when i realized how many people came to the funeral. He dedicated his life to children who were rejected by the world, he fought for them as if they were his own. He fought with the government to give them a home, a meal, a family. He cared. And he cared for us as well. And I love him and miss him.
